**The perfect relationship is an ideal image. And as such, it remains in the world of the imagination. None will achieve it. But that is not a problem, quite the opposite.**

And then they rode off together into the sunset. The wedding bells rang, the prince had saved the princess from the evil witch. It was love at first sight. They lived happily ever after. And if they didn't die...

Sound familiar? Most likely. You've heard all these phrases in one form or another. They all convey stories and ideas that are deeply inscribed in our (collective) memory. They were already told to our parents, probably even to our grandparents.

Such stories and narratives shape us. Better said: the ideas about partnership, relationship and ideal people shape us. They don't necessarily have to come from fairy tales; we can also have them from movies, songs, videos or memes. All of these are media and they shape the way we think about things. And they can write themselves into our consciousness early on, perhaps without us even realizing it. They shape our views - even in love matters.

## The perfect relationship exists at most in our imagination

Researchers Jigisha Gala and Nishrin N. Ghadiyali from the National Academy of Psychology in India wanted to get to the bottom of these connections. In a 2020 study, they examined the extent to which romantic beliefs affect our satisfaction with relationships.

Among other things, they found that unconscious beliefs about relationships lead to increased dissatisfaction in relationships. Excessive expectations of the partner:in are most likely to be disappointed. This is because they are often not compatible with reality.

In psychology, such contexts are also referred to as priming. Priming is about how the processing of stimuli is influenced. In the process, "implicit memory contents are often activated" - ideas or memories that we have in our minds. This, in turn, often happens unconsciously. So, for example, when we project ideas about how the perfect partnership should work onto our partner, drawing on things we have "learned" in movies, this is called media priming. Gala and Ghadiyali speak here of "toxic beliefs" as those that negatively influence relationships or the view of relationships.

## How do toxic beliefs arise?

> "Expectations of a romantic relationship are often unrealistic [...] [in that] they project a desire to be as special as a prince or princess." Jigisha Gala and Nishrin Ghariyali

Right up front, we can certainly lead with the image of Christian marriage: No sex before marriage, there may be children afterwards, and you stay together until "death do us part." At the same time, it is best not to even consider other potential partners; until a few decades ago, we were not even allowed to talk about same-sex relationships.

But even in popular music they are told again and again, the stories that shape us. Of the eternal, innocent, one great love, of the perfect partnership in which we carry each other on our hands. From this arise expectations that no one can fulfill - precisely because they are *stories* that we (let) tell ourselves. And they are not real. If things go badly, they lead to toxic or unhealthy relationships with all their unpleasant side effects: Insecurity, mental illness, toxic behavior patterns.

## Are romantic beliefs bad for us?

Of course, this doesn't mean that romantic love movies, cheesy telenovelas, or all Disney movies are bad for our mental health. It means much more that it's important to look at the things we consume. And to critically question: Is what I expect from my partner feasible at all? Or are there ideas involved that I have internalized at some point and never questioned? Is the love that is portrayed here even feasible? Or is it just a nice story that is told to me here?

The same is true with regard to ideas that we as singles have about potential partners. We should also question these, perhaps they are also shaped by inner beliefs that are inflated. For example, in movies people with extreme personality traits are portrayed. This makes them more exciting for the audience. Our heroes are jealous, reckless, insecure, addicted or vengeful - all of these can be traits that make a film character exciting. But transferred to our reality or as role models, they are toxic and unhealthy for our mental (relationship) health.

It's the same with beauty ideals that we encounter on social media. There are probably few people as beautiful as Instagram models - not even themselves. They are edited, photographed from certain angles, and kept on a strict diet just for this one moment of the photo shoot. After that, reality looks different again.

If we don't question possible convictions that we have from such ideal images, this can lead to toxic behavior patterns. If we transfer what we learn in movies to reality and to our (potential) partners, it can end unpleasantly.

But even these effects can be influenced - by thinking about which beliefs make us do certain things. So it is certain, as we can also see from the study, that romantic ideas influence the quality and also the success of our relationships.

These ideas are influenced by all kinds of media, with a strong focus on social media, but also on other media such as movies, music, books and memes. But also the achievements of capitalism, such as something the beauty industry, advertisements, sporting events and the like have influences on how we perceive the world around us.

## "Perfect" is a relationship when it is healthy.

What we can do to counter these expectations is to realize that the perfect person does not exist. Neither does the perfect partner:in or the perfect relationship. We can have healthy, satisfied, happy relationships. But they will never be like in fairy tales. And that's a good thing - because friction, conflict and disagreement give us the opportunity to grow as people. If everything were always perfect, we'd get bored pretty quickly. And that would be anything but perfect.

Because part of a relationship is having conflicts, enduring disharmonies and creating joint solutions from them. A good, healthy relationship has nothing to do with being picked up by the prince or princess on the white horse.

Source: Jigisha Gala, Nishrin Ghariyali: Romantic Memes and Beliefs: Influence on Relationship Satisfaction, India, 2020. 


Finding the perfect relationship is a task that we may never be able to accomplish. This has mainly to do with the image we have of her in our minds.

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The perfect relationship? Doesn't exist! How beliefs influence love