Carla looks at her friend Rosa with wide eyes when she tells her about their relationship. Everything is going great, even after four years, the sex is bombastic and somehow everything fits. Rosa always says that. Somehow everything fits. Carla doesn't begrudge her that. But she is also a little envious. How does Rosa do it?

Rosa has worked on herself a lot, as Carla has only noticed in passing. She used to have problems committing, her relationships always fell apart after a few months. She had an anxious attachment style - she was clingy and always scared her partners away after a short time with her clingy nature.

But after a lot of work on herself, Rosa has managed to achieve a secure attachment style. And because of that, somehow everything fits, as she so often says. Because a secure attachment style is not only important for relationship health, it affects our entire being. For example, research by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver in 2016 found that a secure attachment style is closely linked to mental health and overall well-being. Those who bond securely have a high tolerance for stress, go through life more optimistically and have a healthy sense of self-worth. Why is this so? A secure attachment style creates an inner calm, you know where you are emotionally at peace.

**Secure relationships are important - not only in love**
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However, the secure attachment style is not only limited to the love relationship. The benefits of secure attachment can also be felt with friends, families, and colleagues.

Basically, the ability to have a secure attachment style also brings with it the ability to balance one's feelings. Of course, this does not mean that people with a secure attachment style do not feel anger, fear or resentment. But they are much more likely to be able to perceive these feelings, accept them and integrate them into their everyday life.

Carla is not quite as at peace with herself as her friend. She has always had problems opening up to others and maintaining relationships. Especially when it comes to love, she is always afraid of being hurt - that has always been the case. She also has problems admitting her feelings, preferring to push them aside and distract herself with other things. But that doesn't quite work. At the latest when she lies in bed at night, her worries come back and rob her of sleep. That's why she often has trouble concentrating and is always a bit groggy.

Carla's example shows us insecurity, in this case, an avoidant binding style can affect our well-being. Carla does not manage to bind herself securely and therefore gets out of her inner balance. And this affects her whole life. The lack of sleep makes it hard for her to concentrate, so she has problems at work and talking to friends - a spiral that goes in the wrong direction.

But what can Carla do to change her attachment style?

*   Practise listening to yourself: What feelings accompany me in everyday life that I push away?
*   Practising mindfulness: How do I stay focused without distracting myself?
*   Allow negative feelings: Even if it is sometimes unpleasant: Feelings want to be felt!
*   Communicate worries and fears: Talking about them with someone brings the feelings from the inside out, then you are no longer alone with them.

Of course, no one can change their attachment style overnight and life becoming instantly peace and quiet. But with practice and patience, a secure attachment style can be achieved - even for Carla!

**With compassion comes happiness**
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And the work is worth it. According to John Bowlby (1988), the ability to empathise with others and form close bonds is the ultimate barometer of a healthy and functioning human.

People who are more closely connected to their fellow human beings are generally happier, physically healthier and live longer. It is not necessarily a matter of living in a classic, monogamous partnership. The general rule here is: It is not so important how many relationships we maintain, but how close the ties are. Less is more!

So it's not (!) about living forcefully in a relationship. Unhappy, unhealthy relationships can damage us more in the long run than living alone. Singles can also lead healthy, fulfilled lives with secure attachments! After all, bonds also include those with friends and family.

Unhealthy attachments, on the other hand, can have a detrimental effect on our mental and physical health. By the way, this is already true in childhood: insecure relationships with our parents can have far-reaching effects and influence us into adulthood.

You want to know more about yourself and why you are the way you are? Not sure how to commit safely and would like to work on improving your relationships? Book a free 30-minute trial session with one of our coaches today!

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Healthy relationships are among the most important basic prerequisites for mental and physical health - in love, friendship and family.

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Emotional home: Why good relationships are so important for health