‍**Differentiation between intimacy and individuality is the basic prerequisite for a healthy relationship. To learn this, we first need to understand what intimacy (is not).**

Vincent feels in seventh heaven with Isa. They spend as much time together as they can, and have done since the spark first ignited. He can't get enough of her and begins to long for her as soon as she's gone.

His thoughts then only revolve around her next date, he has to partly pull himself together not to send her a message directly as soon as she has closed the door behind her. But when he saw her off yesterday, something felt different. He still told her "I've never felt such deep intimacy with anyone", which kind of irritated her. Isa laughed a little nervously and then left quickly without giving him a kiss. She hasn't been in touch since and Vincent ponders. Has he done something wrong?

**Intimacy and an anxious attachment style are not the same thing**
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When Vincent turns to his friends Nico and Mark for advice, Mark has an idea: "It might have something to do with your attachment style". Mark and Nico have been doing couples coaching for the last six months and have found out a lot about how their attachment styles affect their communication.

And indeed Mark is right: Vincent has an anxious attachment style, which among other things leads him to cling in relationships. And that feels like intimacy to him. After all, he can't get enough of Isa! That's how it always is in romantic films, he thinks.

But intimacy does not mean being obsessed with the other person like Ross was with Rachel in the first seasons of Friends. **Intimacy in a partnership means respecting the individuality of your partner and also being able to endure tension.**

When people love each other, it doesn't mean that everything has to be in harmony! David Schnarch writes in "The Psychology of Sexual Passion" that this confusion between intimacy and (too) close a bond is the basis of most relationship problems. Only couples who can also constructively criticise each other can grow together. For it is precisely when there are disagreements that this indicates that individuals have met, each:r with their own opinion and views of the world.

**Disagreements can also be overcome during sex**
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Especially when it comes to the topic of sexuality, many couples think that it has to work from the beginning. And if it doesn't? Then that's just the way it is.

You thought wrong! Even when it comes to sex, the key is to talk to each other, get to know each other's preferences, find out together what you like and what you don't like. Because, to paraphrase David Schnarch: "No matter how much we may be in love, faithful and affectionate, we are all still individuals in our own right". And only in the distinction between individuality and intimacy can we succeed in having a healthy relationship - in psychology this is called differentiation.

**Differenzierung: Die Kunst, gesund zu lieben**
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So what does this mean for Vincent? First of all, it would help him to take a closer look at his attachment style and try to change it to a secure attachment style. This can be hard work and is not done overnight - professional coaching at Dearest could also help him work on himself.

And above all, detailed and honest conversations with Isa about his desires and expectations are an important step in taking their relationship to a new, advanced and healthy level while differentiating it: Between intimacy, anxious attachment and individuality.

Incidentally, if there is a lack of differentiation, it can also go in the other direction. People with an avoidant attachment style react to intimacy with withdrawal. Especially in combination with people of the anxious-ambivalent attachment style, this can lead to an unfavourable mixture.

**Intimacy: Here's how it can work**
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So the key to a healthy relationship, besides healthy communication and a secure attachment style, is a high level of differentiation. Only this allows us to love our partner as he or she is. Because then we perceive our counterpart as a complete, individual person and accept his or her peculiarities, wishes and views. At the same time, we get the opportunity to develop ourselves. And that is as we are and not as we think we should be.

You know that you are clingy in relationships but you just can't turn it off? Would you like to learn how to differentiate but don't know how? Book a session with one of our coaches today!
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Falling in love is easy, but loving in the long term and in a healthy way is much harder. The magic word is: differentiation or the distinction between intimacy and close attachment.

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The Art of Loving: Differentiation and intimacy