**Emotional closeness between men and the ability to admit feelings do not come naturally to everyone. The motivation to talk about one's own feelings is also not equally pronounced for every man. This is mainly due to old role models that have developed over centuries and continue to the present day.**

*Disclaimer: This article is about role models that are or were associated with the concept of "masculinity" in large parts of the world. At one point or another, we cannot avoid making generalizations. Of course, we do not want to exclude anyone in the process and are aware that we can at best attempt to represent a section of reality.*

It is more than a cliché: there are still men who have problems allowing emotional closeness. No question, the situation has improved rapidly in recent years. But there are still enough men who have the melody of "Boys don't cry" all too familiar in their ears.

## When role models restrict emotional closeness

First of all, this has to do with dusty role models that were still prevalent, especially in the generation of Millenials and up. Men have to be strong, they have to take care of the family. Women are responsible for emotions and the household. While emancipation on the female side has long been in full swing, one can get the feeling that the male emancipation of emotions is still partly in the old century. In fact, we have long been in a process of transformation. But such social upheavals take time. Sometimes quite a long time. Can we speed them up?

Psychiatrist and family therapist Robert Garfield of the University of Pennsylvania sees the fundamental problem as being the difference between the values of emotional intimacy on the one hand and the norms our society has defined for masculinity on the other.

In this problem, the expression of feelings, vulnerability, acceptance of help, mutual support, and cooperation faces a mountain of muscle. This is pumped up by emotional restraint, self-sufficiency, self-optimization, control, competitive pressure, and independence. A cowboy with a smoking gun admitting he was pretty hurt when his counterpart said he didn't think much of him? Doesn't quite fit the picture.

The roots of this imbalance go back a long way. The image of the strong man who has to provide for his family was sometimes shaped in the mid-nineteenth century. Strong feelings were to be avoided whenever possible, as they were a sign of weakness.

This contradiction leads to several problems, according to Garfield. For example, men with difficult access to feelings also have trouble sharing them. Relationships, therapy and even friendships can be made more difficult as a result. This can result in difficult, opposing, or in other words, ambivalent feelings. For the need for emotional closeness is naturally present, as it is in every human being. But the conscious or unconscious urge to conform to an ideal works against this desire.

## How can we foster emotional closeness?

Garfield advocates that group therapy approaches can help to further help men who suffer from the aforementioned problems. This is primarily about taking a hard look at the image that men have of masculinity and reshaping it. Stereotypes of masculinity, but also of femininity, which are culturally conditioned, must be examined and questioned in this context.

The work then consists of expressing feelings and receiving supportive feedback for them. In addition, it can help to think about how one's own stereotypical thinking influences others and can lead to forcing them into roles, regardless of whether they are one's own children, partner or even friend.

To exercise your own emotional ones, it can help to sharpen the following skills. (This is not just for men!).

- The connection to others

The main point here is to find a common emotional level with others. It's not so important what is talked about, but how it makes you feel. Professional accomplishments, social and professional status should take a back seat in connecting with others.

- Communication and the art of emotional competence

In order to build emotional closeness and thus deep friendships, it is important to be able to share one's feelings in a safe environment. When such environments are created, it becomes possible to talk about feelings while allowing vulnerability. This creates what Garfield calls "emotional literacy." This is primarily about putting feelings such as anger, joy, fear, and sadness into words rather than turning them into actions.

- Commitment/dedication/engagement

Those who want to allow emotional closeness can practice this by asking friend:s about their well-being. The emotional commitment to others, which is not limited to one's own partnership but also applies to friends, needs to be practiced. In the long run, this will also lead to better access to one's own feelings.

- Giving up control

Finally, the clichéd role model of the strong man includes always having everything under control. Not least, it is "strong leaders" who are credited with great success as managers and politicians. There is little room for feelings and vulnerability. But that, too, can be trained. This includes asking others for advice and help and, as far as possible, leaving decisions to others.

The good news is that emotional closeness can also be practiced. We just need to know how! And for that, it's perfectly okay to accept outside help.

*Do you also have problems with emotional closeness and would like to work on it? Book a session with one of our coaches today. We're sure to find a solution.*

Emotional closeness among men is still a difficult topic. This has to do primarily with our cultural imprint. Time to change that.

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When is a man a man? Emotional closeness between men