**Reactive emotions or secondary emotions overlay our core emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, surprise, shame, joy or happiness. One of their functions is to protect us from vulnerability. How we can deal with them.**

As different as we humans may be, we are all the same in our emotions. They may be triggered by different things, gestures, smells, memories or conversations, but at their core they are the same in all people. In science, a distinction is made here between core emotions and reactive emotions.

**The core emotions**
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The core emotions, like all emotions, have functions. These have been around as long as humanity itself.

*   Fear: helps us to protect ourselves from possible dangers.
*   Anger: gives us the strength to respond to a perceived threat.
*   Sadness: gives us the impulse to seek comfort.
*   Surprise: gives us a heightened awareness to perceive and assess a new situation.
*   Shame: pushes us back and leads us to not want to be seen.
*   Joy and happiness: help us to approach others in a relaxed and energetic way.

However, we do not always have the opportunity to live out these feelings and give them the space they need. Perhaps we already learned in childhood not to allow certain feelings. One thinks here, for example, of the dusty role models, of men who are not allowed to cry and of women who are supposed to be quiet. (Not to mention non-binary people who are not allowed to find a place in these role models in the first place!) But just because you don't allow feelings doesn't mean they are gone. Feelings always find their way.

**The reactive emotions (secondary emotions)**
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If we suppress our core emotions, they can change and even become stronger over time. Anger can turn into white heat, sadness into depression and fear into raging jealousy. They can overwhelm us in conflict situations so that we are paralysed - like a bug lying on its back.

The reactive emotions (secondary emotions) are always reactions to our core emotions. Often there is a protective mechanism behind them. Because our core emotions often make us very vulnerable, the reactive emotions seem easier to handle at first. It can also be that we have simply learned not to allow the core emotions, for example through upbringing or past experiences. Maybe you know this from yourself or friends: When some people are sad, they react with aggression or emotional dustiness. They then hide their real sadness. But that doesn't mean that the core emotion goes away, it just remains hidden behind the reactive emotion.

**Reactive emotions in the relationship - what we can do**
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For our relationships, the reactive emotions can be toxic. With people who start ranting and raving out of nowhere or crawl into their emotional cave at the slightest argument, it is difficult to build a healthy and appreciative foundation for communication.

This makes it all the more important to listen deeply within oneself and look closely. When feelings take over and threaten to overwhelm you, it helps to take a step back. To take a step back and ask: Why do I feel the way I feel right now? Maybe then you can go back to the core emotions. And you can always talk about those. However, it is enormously important to stay with your own feelings and to share them mindfully with your partner. And not to fall for the four apocalyptic horsemen of communication.

You just don't know how to deal with your feelings? Would you like to learn how to talk to your partner in a more appreciative way without being hurtful? Let's talk! Book an appointment with one of our coaches today.

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Reactive emotions overlay core emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, shame, joy or happiness. It is not always easy to deal with them.

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Emotional chaos - How reactive emotions determine our lives