**Sharing sexual fantasies with each other can be difficult. If we manage the balancing act between sexual self-determination and partner-determined sexuality, it becomes easier.**

Sharing sexual fantasies with each other is a balancing act. If we share too little, relationship sex can become boring or even fall asleep over time. But even if we share too much, it can be risky. It could put off the partner and distance the couple from each other. Neither has to be the case.

## Sexual self-determination and partner-determined sexuality

Let's take a look at Jan and Jule. They have been together for half a year, the sex is good and yet they both realize that they are very different. Jule is **sexually self-determined**, wants an open relationship and is very demanding with her inclinations. She has no problem expressing her sexual fantasies openly and is not always considerate of Jan. Jan, on the other hand, tends to hold back and tries to accommodate Jules wishes, even if she is not always so enthusiastic about them. He tends to take his own desires back, living a **partnered sexuality**.

If the two of them want to have a happy relationship in the long run, it would be advisable for them to get a little closer. So it becomes important for Jule to respond to Jan's desires and sexual fantasies as well. And it would help him enormously to express them as well. This also gives Jule the opportunity to be more responsive to him. Because without offers on his part, it will be difficult.

## Share sexual fantasies

Every person has his or her own sexual profile that he or she brings into a relationship. The profile consists of the erotic experiences we have already had. In addition, there are the sexual fantasies and desires that we have in our minds. Another aspect of the sexual profile is the erotic skills and abilities, that is, which "soft skills" we unpack during lovemaking, but also how we flirt and approach. Finally, the actual sex we experience - when it really gets down to business. 

If we take a look at these versatile aspects, it quickly becomes clear: sexual profiles will never completely overlap. And that's not a bad thing, everyone is allowed to keep their own sexuality and be intimate with themselves. But if we learn to approximate our sexual profiles in relationships, our relationships can benefit. 

Because when we share our sexual fantasies with each other, we make ourselves vulnerable and reveal something very intimate about ourselves. This can bring us closer together. With what we tell each other, we also always make a choice: We let the other share our own sexual identity. 

However, this takes some preparation - just dropping sex in the door doesn't always have to go well. 

## Sex talk with a running start

If Jan now wants to share his sexual fantasies, the following short check based on the psychologist Ulrich Clement could help him.

So you have to answer the following questions on a scale from 1 to 10:
- How many of your sexual fantasies does your partner know?
- How much of it does he or she not know and should not know?
- How much of it would you possibly tell him or her?
- Under what circumstances would you share your sexual fantasies?

With the answers in hand, the conversation will be easier later. But before that, it's important that both of you are aware that two people and their fantasies are never congruent. We are all different, have experienced different things. 

And thus there are also for each one things and fantasies that turn on / or off. So it can happen that the sharing of fantasies brings a paradoxical effect. It may be that the intimacy and openness brings you closer together. Nevertheless, it also makes different things clear and can thus bring moments of irritation. So sharing sexual fantasies doesn't mean we have to tell each other everything. It depends on the right dose of what we share and what we might keep to ourselves.

Once all that is clear, Jan and Jule can sit down together and start sharing. It's best if they make up a set time and date that they both have enough time for. If this is too difficult at the beginning, it is advisable to bring in a coach or another neutral person. This person can then help to make the exchange comfortable for both of you.

*You would like to talk about your sexual fantasies with your partner, but you don't know how to do it? Book a session with one of our coaches. Maybe we can find the right words together.*

Source: Ulrich Clement: Guter Sex trotz Liebe, Ullstein Verlag, 2006. 


Talking about sexual fantasies in a partnership is fraught with shame for many people. In addition, the question always arises: What can we share with each other?

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Sexual fantasies in partnership: what can we share?