‍**Mindfulness and sex can be a wonderful team. But how do we bring them together?**

Things are actually going quite well with Paul and Sarah at the moment. They have both worked on their bonding styles and since then have had a mostly harmonious relationship. But when it comes to sex, things are not yet going as smoothly as both of them would like. Sarah wishes Paul would show more sensitivity. Because he is often not quite on the ball, even in everyday life. Then, while surfing the internet, Paul happens to come across a coach who offers mindfulness training. His interest is aroused.

**What is mindfulness?**
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Mindfulness is first of all a state of mind. Being mindful means being in the here and now without being distracted by thoughts. Mindfulness also means perceiving all impressions without evaluating them and losing oneself in these evaluations. You can train mindfulness - with yoga, meditation or certain exercises.

In principle, it is possible to do almost any activity mindfully. From breathing to brushing your teeth, from going for a walk to having sex: everything is possible in a mindful way. Ideally, you practise mindfulness every day; with professional mindfulness training, this can take over an hour a day.

And the effects are enormous. Mindfulness training helps to focus better in everyday life, reduce stress and can also help with physical complaints such as back pain. According to a [study - (in German)](https://publikationen.uni-tuebingen.de/xmlui/bitstream/handle/10900/46075/pdf/Keune_Bostanov_2013_Achtsamkeit_Depression_Hirnforschung.pdf) by the University of Tübingen, mindfulness-based meditation can even protect against depression.

But enough theory, here is an exercise that you can incorporate into your everyday life.

**Mindfulness exercise to go**
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* Realise that you are now taking a break and lie down somewhere comfortable and undisturbed. Maybe on your bed.
* Set an alarm clock that will gently wake you up from your exercise. Preferably a different, lighter tone than the one that wakes you up in the morning.
* Close your eyes.
* And now breathe consciously. Feel how your breath flows through your lungs into your belly and slowly flows out again. Try not to influence it, but accept it as it is.
* When thoughts and feelings arise, notice them and let them move on. Do not judge them and do not judge yourself. Everything that comes now is all right.
* Keep focusing on your breath.

It is best to repeat this exercise regularly. Just 5 minutes a day is enough, but it can also be 30 minutes or even an hour. Over time, you may feel mindfulness spreading to other areas of your life. Ideally also during sex.

**Mindful sex - gentle yet intense**
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Those who now manage to be mindful during sex as well will experience a small miracle, similar to Paul. He has been in mindfulness training (also called "MBSR - Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction") for a few weeks and, together with Sarah, is feeling the effects that mindfulness has on their sex life. Because when you have sex mindfully, you are fully engaged. Paul suddenly feels the small signals that Sarah sends much more clearly and can react to them; quite naturally and without having to think things through.

**Mindfulness and sex: how do they come together?**
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The rule for mindful sex is: practise, practise, practise. And the best place to start practising is with yourself. If you get to know your sexual self, you are already in a good position to have mindful sex.

To combine mindfulness and sex, you can try the following with your partner:

*   Imagine you are getting to know each other for the first time.
*   Touch each other gently, noticing every touch, every feeling that arises.
*   Use each of your senses; smell, touch, taste, hearing and sight. Focus on each sense in turn and give it the space it needs.
*   If your thoughts wander, notice it, let them move on and come back to the here and now. Without getting angry that your thoughts are wandering!
*   Don't think about the orgasm, don't give sex a goal, but try to feel each moment individually.
*   If you notice that it doesn't work right away, that's fine - don't get upset about it!

If you follow these exercises, you are already a step closer to the pleasure of combining mindfulness and sex. One thing should be noted here: it doesn't happen overnight - patience is an important ingredient for practising mindfulness!

_Would you like to learn more about the connection between mindfulness and sex and get tips on how to combine them? Book a trial session with one of our coaches._

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Being mindful doesn't only help with stress, inner turmoil and depression. Mindfulness can also take your sex to a new level!

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Mindfulness and sex: gentle but intense