**Many people are tongue-tied when it comes to sex. Yet proper communication of sexual desire and preferences is an important prerequisite for a healthy relationship.**

Sex and the communication about it is still afflicted with a lot of shame. At the beginning of relationships, a lot seems to happen on its own, the hormones take over and things go like clockwork. But after a certain time, routine enters the relationship and the love life. And there are two things that help against this: Talking about sex and trying out new things. But how do you do that?

## The sex script

Sex often follows the same pattern in long-term relationships. Sex therapist Diane Gleim refers to this as a narrative, i.e. a story or script that we develop over time in relationships. In the process, each of the two does what he or she thinks is right and follows a certain pattern until the whole thing is over. This script becomes programmed in over time and is repeated over and over again.

This sex script can then lead to tension in the relationship. Thus, the script can become boring over time because it is always repeated. It is also not uncommon that there are individual passages in the script that are unpleasant or even painful for one of the partners and that the partner does not have the right language to talk about them.

The result is not infrequently frustrated couples who are speechless for the not-so-great sex they are having. The script then eventually becomes so boring, unpleasant or painful that it collects dust under the bed and is never touched again.

Gleim now suggests that the first thing to do is redefine what sex even means. The classic is probably well known: penis+vulva=sex. But sex is much more than that and is conceivable in all conceivable combinations of sexes and body parts.

## This is how we learn to talk about sex

**Learning vocabulary and finding words**.

"That down there" in women is not the vagina and certainly not "that down there", but the vulva. And that consists of outer and inner labia, the clitoral hood, the clitoral glans and much more! The male sexual organ is also more than just penis and scrotum - it includes glans, penis root and shaft and everything in between. If you search, you will find. Look at everything, learn to name it and explore the individual parts. 

But, as I said, sex is much more than the two binary sex organs, people of all sexual identities have sex and don't have to focus only on the "classics."

**Exploring Erogenous Zones**.

Start with yourself and see what you like, or try it together - you know best. Mouth, neck, neck, knees, ear, belly, chest, wrists, ankles, back want to be touched, caressed and kissed and somewhere is guaranteed to tingle. Notice it and share it with your partner. Because if you know where your erogenous zones are, you can share that too.

**Look at your script**

Look at your script together. Maybe you can break it down into different steps, identify certain actions that happen over and over again. Be honest with each other: what do you like, what do you like less? Are there parts of the script that you could do without or that you would like to replace? 

In these sex conversations, it's important that you speak to each other sensitively and mindfully. Realize that this is a special situation for both of you and that it is not about hurting the other person.

**Try it in a roundabout way.**

If this is all too direct for you, you can also try it through the back door. Watch movies or series together in which certain sexual acts occur. And then ask what the other person thinks about it. In this way, you can slowly approach certain topics that you might not dare to talk about. Make sure you use the right language here, too. If you don't like something, say it in a way that doesn't hurt the other person. Sentences like "That's totally disgusting!" have no place in conversations about sex.

Ultimately, it's also about getting rid of shame and getting to know your sexual self. Just browse a bit in our magazine.

*You are just speechless when it comes to sex, although you would like to discuss the topic so much? Why not book a trial session with one of our coaches - maybe we can find the right words together!*

Sources: Psychology Today, Healthline

Talking about sex is easier said than done. But once we find the right words, our love life will benefit greatly.

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Talking about sex: how to find the right words