‍**Sex has existed since the dawn of mankind. And without it, there would be neither you nor me. Sex sells well, sex drives us and so much of all of our lives revolves around the "most beautiful secondary matter in the world". And yet there is this big, heavy curtain that so reliably extinguishes desire: shame.**

Sex and shame from the beginning
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Even as children, we learn to cover our pubic area. Even if we don't call it that yet, we soon learn that "down there" is taboo. Later, when the pubic hairgrows and the labiabecome interesting, we explore the pubic areawith all the curiosity that hormones shoot into our brains. But under the covers, please. And don't talk about it!

This leads us to be ashamed of our desire, our sexual selves and our genitals. And here there is a direct connection to whether and how we can enjoy sex. The more the "down there" is associated with shame or even negative feelings, the more difficult it is to let go during sex and enjoy it to the fullest.

Leave the pubic area!
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We should break up this culture of shame as soon as possible. Because behind this heavy curtain awaits all the passion, the satisfaction, the happiness and ultimately: all of life. In Mandy Ronda's words: "I am a sexual being! And so are you! Go ahead and say it out loud. How does that feel to you?

And once it's out there, it's time to explore it with all the curiosity necessary and possible. How to do that? Start with ourselves!

We start with some questions that can help you find your sexual self. Take your time, find a quiet moment and answer them for yourself. It's best to write them down so you can read them all again later. Let's go!

*   When and how do I want to be touched?
*   What do I want to experience during sex? (for example, liberation, surrender, tenderness, closeness, intensity, aggression, transcendence, spiritual connection, rebellion, dominance, freedom, irresponsibility).
*   Smell, taste, touch, sight, hearing: Which is your most sexual sense? Why is that?
*   (Body) language: How do I signal that I feel sexual desire?
*   What can I do to make my sex life look good?
*   What was the best sexual experience you ever had? Why? What was decisive?

These are questions that you don't have to answer right away. Maybe also because it doesn't happen that quickly. After all, the sexual self and everything that goes with it is not very present in our society. But even if it's hard, we should talk about it (even more so then). No more shame, goodbye to the sex taboo and goodbye to stigma.

Getting down to business: How to talk about sex with our partners

Now you are most likely a lot closer to your sexual self. You know what you like, what you want and what makes you hot. That's all well and good, you'll say - but how am I supposed to bring that into my relationship?

In couples therapy, it has proven successful that both partners answer several open questions and then talk about them together. There are no right and wrong answers. So grab a pen and paper again and answer the following questions - first for yourself.

1. Imagine, all to yourself, an ideal relationship. What does it look like? And what role does sex play in it? Just let your imagination run away with you - also write down everything about frequency, positions, places and perhaps additional sex partners.
2. Now you have an ideal image for your sex life. Is there a difference to your current sex life? What does it look like?
3. In which situations or places do you feel desire?
4. In other areas of your life (friendships, hobbies, job, etc.), how do you make sure that everything is in harmony for you?
5. How is this self-care different from the things you do for your sexuality?
6. What can you learn from the "other things" for your sex life? How can you make sure that you also take care of your sex life in a way that is good for you?

Lets talk about Sex!
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After you and your partner have answered the questions for each other, it's time to talk. It is important that you create a safe space where you feel comfortable. Also make sure that you both have enough time, that there are no more appointments, that you are both relaxed. Make a nice dinner, maybe you like to drink wine or listen to your favourite music. Reassure each other that you respect each other and that you don't judge the other person for what he or she feels, thinks and wants. This is the only way to open up to each other without feeling ashamed. Once you have created this safe space, you can discuss your responses.

Und now?
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Now it is important to listen openly to your partner without judgement. It is not about making demands, but about opening up and experiencing true intimacy - without shame or guilt. Just listen to each other and value each other's responses. None of what you discuss needs to be acted upon right away. Just get to know each other's sexual selves better. This creates a new level of intimacy and closeness and will most likely lead to positive changes in your sex life in the long run.

And if that doesn't work?
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If that's still a little too hot for you, you can try it out first. After all, practice makes perfect! Start a conversation about sexuality in general, maybe about what positions you have heard of or what kinds of sexual identities there are. This doesn't have to be directly related to your ideas or fantasies. The first thing to do here is to feel your way towards the topic. Then you can ask each other open questions about sexuality and slowly move towards your personal preferences.

*   Which positions do you know?
*   In which places could you have sex everywhere?
*   Which sexual orientations have you heard of?
*   Is there anything that totally turns you off or that you find funny?
*   What would you like to try out yourself?

Coaching can also help
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Another possibility is to have someone neutral intervene, for example a coach. Beforehand, you write down your wishes and fantasies that you don't quite trust yourself to talk about in a letter. She or he will then read through everything and choose things that fit together or can be combined well. In a coaching session they are then addressed and neither partner has to be afraid that something will be revealed that he or she does not want.

Only in this way, namely in dialogue with others, can we manage to break down the stigma around sexuality - bit by bit. So: Grab your loved one and together help to free your sexuality from shame. It will be worth it!

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Sex, both in private and in public, is still heavily tainted with shame. Let's free it from shame, the "most important minor matter in the world"!

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Shameless Sex: Learn to love your sexual self!