**The bond between parents and their children is significantly formative for later love life. We often unconsciously seek out the same attachment styles we experienced in early childhood.**

The way we experience attachment as children influences all of our later relationships. No matter whether it is with friends, acquaintances or in our love lives: Our attachment style determines our relationships to a large extent. And this is something every child learns from an early age.

## How attachment styles develop

Basically, we distinguish between four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and secure attachment styles.

**The anxious attachment style: Don't leave me!**

Children develop an anxious attachment style when they experience uncertainty in their attachment to their parents. For example, if one or both parents are not reliable for their child, the child may feel that he or she cannot rely on others (in this case, the parents).

This feeling will later affect other relationships as well. Children who develop an anxious attachment style often become adults who can never fully trust their partners either. Doubts then surface, especially in stressful situations. People with an anxious attachment style may wonder if they are good enough for the other person and at the same time doubt the sincerity of their partner.

**Avoidant attachment style: I can do it myself.**

If children repeatedly feel that their parents respond to their needs with little emotion, they may develop an avoidant attachment style. They get little emotional feedback from their parents, and the parents tend not to act out emotions or encourage that in their children.

Adults with an avoidant attachment style often do not allow themselves to get (too) close to people they love. Even in stressful situations, they prefer to work things out with themselves and avoid allowing outside help. They often appear to be lone warriors and thus cope well, especially in stressful professional situations. In intimate relationships, however, they often find it difficult to open up.

**Fearful-ambivalent attachment style: Come here and leave me alone!**

Children who are not reliably cared for by their parents may develop an anxious-ambivalent attachment style. This is the case when parents react in different ways to their children's needs. In one case, they respond immediately when the child cries; in another, they let the child yell. Children then perceive their parents' care as unreliable. As adults, they unconsciously assume that they will feel the same way in relationships.

Adults with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style are always torn between two feelings. On the one hand, they long for affection. On the other hand, they pull away whenever things get too intimate for them.

**Secure attachment style: Everything in a safe place**.

Children who learn and feel that they can trust their parents and that their needs will be met by their caregivers are very likely to develop a secure attachment style. When little ones draw attention to their needs, such as by crying or screaming, and those needs are also met, they know: There is someone I can rely on.

They feel loved, safe and self-confident, can explore the world around them on their own two feet and get to know other people without being afraid. They know: If I need help, I can rely on my parents.

They will carry this feeling into their adult relationships as well. People with a secure attachment style can trust more easily and lead a more carefree life. They can enter into relationships with more ease because, unlike people with an anxious attachment style, they don't have to feel that something will go wrong.

## How attachment styles shape our adult relationships.

Early childhood attachment behavior also has an impact on dating. Unconsciously, we look for relationship patterns in our adult lives that we know, even if they don't serve us well. It is only natural for our brain to enter into types of attachment with which we have experience. This is also the reason why there are people who keep "getting it wrong" no matter what they do: it's because of their attachment style.

The good news is that anyone can change his/her attachment style. To do so, it helps to look at your beliefs and take a close look at how your own attachment styles work. Whether ambivalent, avoidant, or fearful, with intensive work on oneself, everyone can learn a secure attachment style.

On the other hand, the same principle applies to expectant mothers and fathers: It is up to you which attachment style your child will adopt later on! The mental well-being of the parents, but especially of the mother, can influence the child's attachment style already during pregnancy. For example, an increased stress level of the mother can trigger an activation of the amygdala in the child - the area of the brain that is responsible for fear, among other things. It has also now been shown that stress in the mother triggers an increased heartbeat in the child. If you're a mother yourself and feel you have too much stress, it may help you to allow yourself more self-love. It will be worth it - for you and your child.

*You're going to be a mom or dad yourself and would love to learn how to have a secure attachment style? Book a session with one of our coaches today. We can certainly help with that.

Source: Lorne Campbell, Tara Marshall: Anxious Attachment and Relationship Processes: An Interactionist Perspective, University of Western Ontario, Brunel University.

Susan M. Johnson: Attachment Theory in Practice, 1994.

Our relationship and attachment styles with our parents strongly influences how and who we love as adults. But we are not at the mercy of this.

large_pexels-cottonbro-5494181 1.png

medium_pexels-cottonbro-5494181 1.png

small_pexels-cottonbro-5494181 1.png

thumbnail_pexels-cottonbro-5494181 1.png

Mom, Dad, Love: How Parents Influence Our Love Life

It helps to talk to my partner in times of need

I usually discuss my problems and concerns with my partner

I don't feel comfortable opening up to my partner

I prefer not to show my partner how I feel in my core

I often worry that my partner doesn't really care about me

In a relationship, I worry that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about them

**#safe #free #comfortable**

You feel safe in your relationships and have no problem with being dependent to a certain extent. 

**You have great confidence and are proactive that the other person *WILL* be there for you *IF* you really need him or her.** It is easy for you to be an anchor in the relationship and to exude a sense of security in the process. You are in good company in the truest sense of the word: **Around 50-60% of the population have a similar attachment style as you.**

You have a solid base, but you probably know it yourself: Even with a secure attachment style, conflicts and injuries are inevitable. You probably already know the best ways to handle this: **self-reflection and openness.**

Secure

**#closeness #harmony #overthinker #othersfirst**


Your attachment style is geared towards **closeness and security**. That's great - in your partnership you give a lot and spread warmth and harmony. Familiarity and closeness are important to you - you love being close to your partner

Blind trust in your partner is difficult for you, **a little doubt like that gnaws at you sometimes**. Sometimes it can happen that you think that your loved one doesn't need you as much as you do. You are not alone with your attachment style: **Around 25% of the population have an attachment style similar to yours**.

Anxious

**#independent #facts #safedistance**


Your attachment style is more **autonomous**. You love your independence, you are independent and you are enough for yourself, you prefer to go through the world with your head held high.

But **if someone gets too close to you, it can happen that you withdraw**. After all, you don't want to run the risk of becoming dependent - that's why you prefer to keep your insides to yourself.  You're not alone in this: **around a quarter of the population have a similar attachment style to you.**

Avoidant

**#independent #passionate #HotAndCold #contradicting**

As it stands, your attachment style is geared towards **both closeness and autonomy**. You seek to be close to your counterpart and you can be very passionate about it, that is important to you.

**What is even more important to you: your independence**. It can feel strange to you to be dependent on others. But it can seem just as strange when someone else depends on you. This can be confusing for some people - First you come in hot, look for closeness, find it - and bang! you quickly run back to your hiding place. 

You are not alone with your attachment style: **Around 15% of the population have a similar attachment style to you.**

01

Home

02

About Us

03

Legal

04

Social

Mom, Dad, Love: How Parents Influence Our Love Life