"That's just the way I am!" shouts Paul and storms out of the flat in a rage. Sarah has tears in her eyes. What was that all about now? Since the first stormy months of passion have passed, something has changed in the relationship dynamic. And suddenly, as soon as you two spend more time together, Paul backs out. Then suddenly "an appointment" occurs to him and he disappears. But when Sarah brings it up with him, it turns into a fight. Yet they both love each other.

What the two don't know: Their attachment styles clash. While Sarah has a secure attachment style, Paul has an ambivalent attachment style - he longs for closeness and is afraid of it at the same time. But let's take it one step at a time.

### What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles describe the way we maintain our (love) relationships as conceptualized by attachment theory. Attachment theory, in turn, is dedicated to our interpersonal relationships. It is mainly about what we feel and how we deal with our feelings.

### Why is this important?

Bonding - from the current state of research - says it's one of our primary survival strategies. Our ancestors already came together in pairs and groups. Through bonding, they not only protected each other but also ensured the most important prerequisite for the survival of the human species: sex. And if the possibility for this was not given, it could become life-threatening.

Thus, dealing with fear also plays an important role in attachment theory. It is not only about the "small", everyday fears, but also about the very big feelings such as helplessness, vulnerability and isolation. Just think of our ancestors: Alone in a cave? Better not. A secure bond is needed.

### What is a secure attachment?

People who are securely attached have little difficulty in being vulnerable and are self-confident about their own need for closeness. They are aware of their needs and act accordingly - by making contact or communicating their need for closeness to their partner.

Those who have a secure attachment style feel secure about their inner selves and in turn have more capacity to bond with and care for others. This has implications for all aspects of life. Increased inner security allows for people to be more intimate and have higher sexual arousal. In addition, a secure attachment style has been shown to alleviate stress levels. Knowing that you "have someone" reassures and gives security.

The advantages of a secure attachment style at a glance:

*   More resilience in relation to stress
*   Optimism
*   Increased self-esteem
*   More satisfaction and curiosity
*   Tolerance for human differences
*   Sense of belonging
*   Ability to master difficult emotions

### What other attachment styles are there?

Attempts at attachment can also go wrong - as in the case of Paul and Sarah. If there are repeated failures here, even a secure attachment style can "tip over". Then it can happen that we adopt a different attachment style. The following attachment styles exist in addition to the secure attachment style:

*   Anxious attachment style
*   Avoidant attachment style
*   Ambivalent attachment style

The good thing is that attachment styles are by no means fixed. Anyone who thinks that the attachment style is a character trait that will never go away is mistaken. Paul is not "like that" at all. He is more than that. Once he finds that out, he can set about changing it - he will be surprised at what he is capable of.

### And what is love about now?

Oh yes: According to current knowledge, attachment theory currently provides the most coherent scientific model of love relationships. Therefore, it also provides the answer to the question of what couple relationships are fundamentally about: emotional security through attachment.

Would you also like to have a secure attachment style or do you suspect that your attachment style is not benefiting your relationship? Then book a 30-minute free trial session with one of our coaches today!

‍

What is a secure attachment? What is an ambivalent, avoidant or anxious attachment style? And: What love is really about.

01

Home

02

About Us

03

Legal

04

Social

Attachment styles: What love is really about