**We are often a little rougher with people we love than with people we don't really care about - a phenomenon we call the *relationship paradox***. **Functional communication helps to deal with this difficulty.**

When Rita comes home, she gets angry. Chaos everywhere. She shouts at her partner: "We agreed that you would clean up today! I can't believe that you just don't keep our agreements!".  *Not even him can I rely on,* she thinks sadly as she blows the smoke from her after-work cigarette into the night.

## The Relationship Paradox: The Knot in Love

Rita worked all day, was eager to accommodate her customers, was forgiving of missed deadlines, and swallowed her anger. After all, the motto is: the customer is queen. 

That's how it often works: Especially with strangers, for example customers in business relationships, we always strive for the best results, look for solutions together and are happy to turn a blind eye if someone is late. In private, however, we are often less forgiving and give free rein to our feelings - even if it is hurtful. 

And that's where we often vent our anger. Because in private, for example in a love relationship, we have a completely different set of expectations. We expect our loved ones to meet our needs, to be there for us, to stick to agreements.

The consequences for our actions are also different: If we vented all our frustrations at work, we'd probably be out of a job pretty quickly. In the protection of our own four walls, on the other hand, we forgive and mediate, and arguments are also part of being together.

But the relationship dynamics that arise from this relationship will damage the relationship in the long run. All too often it is mixed with excessive demands on the partner, who has to pay for everything that is lacking in the "professional" environment. To learn to protect our private communication, the concept of functional communication helps.

## Functional communication: mindfulness, change of perspective, gratitude

Speaking functionally to each other means letting the other person know what one's wants and needs are without hurting the other person:s feelings. It is aimed at fulfilling a function. In doing so, it is important to be *careful* with language, to pay attention to how you say something.

### Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be learned, we have to practice it. This can be done with MBSR courses (Mindful Based Stress Reduction) or with coaching, but we can also learn important prerequisites on our own. For example, mindfulness means letting a moment pass before reacting.

The next time you feel conflict coming on with your loved one, try to pause mentally: What is making me angry right now? What is the feeling behind the thought? If you feel that the feelings are about to run away with you, try to buy some time. Ask your partner to keep the conversation at a distance. When you are ready, communicate what has upset you and then try to find a solution together.

### Change of perspective

Try to take a different perspective on yourself, your life, and your communication.

Let's do a little exercise to practice a change of perspective. 

Imagine it's your 80th birthday. Your family and friends have thrown a party for you and everyone close to you is giving a little speech about what they appreciate about you, what makes you valuable. What do you wish they would say about you? Write down what words your loved ones would find to say about you. 

The next time you are in a difficult communication situation, think about these values. Try to act on them. They will remind you what is really important to you, what kind of person you want to be. So they will have a positive effect on your communication with your loved ones. 

### Gratitude

Imagine what your life would be like without your loved ones. What would your everyday life be like? What would you do after work, how would you spend your weekends? What would you miss? Be aware of what you would miss without the people you love. You'll probably think of little everyday things that you normally don't think about anymore because they've become something you take for granted. The next time there's an argument, remember that. With gratitude, you will find it easier to communicate in a more appreciative and also functional way.

*Communication is a closed book for you? Would you like to learn functional communication but don't know where to start? Book a session with one of our coaches today. We can certainly help you with that!*

The relationship paradox says that we are more attentive to our colleagues than to our lovers. But this does not have to be the case. The solution: functional communication.

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Functional communication: Let's talk about it mindfully