**Nonviolent communication is one of the most important things for a healthy relationship. But how can we manage to talk to each other without violence?**

"Always the same with you," Charlie yells as the argument with Jonah escalates once again, "I thought we'd worked that out!" Completely frightened, Jona jerks up from his work - he doesn't know what's going on at all. When he sees Charlie's twinkling eyes, he already has his suspicions. But he wishes Charlie would make it clear what's going on. And without always making such a fuss. What would help the two of them: non-violent communication.

## The basic principles of nonviolent communication

The concept of non-violent communication goes back to the US-American psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg. At its core, it's about how we humans can talk to each other without hurting each other.

After all, language is one of the most powerful tools we have. A right word at the right moment can heal emotional wounds, but it can also tear them open, depending on how we choose our words.

The basic idea behind nonviolent communication is that behind every conflict are unmet needs. These include, for example, appreciation, respect, autonomy, or understanding. And if we manage to recognize this in a dispute, we can prevent a lot of suffering.

## Nonviolent communication: This is how it can work

Here is a small guide to non-violent communication according to Rosenberg.

1. I describe - without blaming or accusing - what behavior i have observed.
2. I talk about the feeling that this behavior triggers in me. Here it is important that we focus on our core emotions. By this we mean primarily feelings that we can physically perceive. They include joy, anger, disgust, fear, contempt, sadness and surprise.
3. naming the underlying need. In doing so, we try to translate our reproaches, which may first be on the tip of our tongue, into needs. We ask ourselves: What do I actually want from my counterpart? 
I formulate a request as to what exactly I want from the other person in order to satisfy my need. It is important not to make any demands. The difference between a request and a demand? Requests can be refused. They give the other person more personal responsibility and the opportunity to decide.

But something like this needs practice, non-violent communication is not that easy. 

## Exercise: Formulating needs and requests

Here you find some sentences, behind which needs are hidden. Try to find out what they are. (You will find the solution at the end of the article).

1. You hurt me because you don't understand me.
2. I'm annoyed when you all talk at cross purposes all the time.
3. I'm annoyed because you're typing on your cell phone while I want to talk to you.

Now for the requests. Think about how you could phrase the following sentences so that they are positively worded and concretely doable. Also, you must be able to check whether it is fulfilled or not.

1. Please pay more attention.
2. Please listen to me when I say something.
3. Can you please take out the trash more often?

## Nonviolent communication in practice

Let's go back to Charlie and Jonah together again.

The trigger for Charlie's outburst was that he actually wanted to cook something. But the kitchen wasn't tidy and he didn't feel like washing dishes now before he could cook. And his stomach was growling. Charlie and Jona had originally agreed that Jona should clean the kitchen. But he was so absorbed in his work that he forgot everything around him.

A non-violent communication of this situation could look something like this:

Charlie: "Jona, I was just about to cook something because I'm hungry like a pig (naming the needs). Then I went to the kitchen and didn't find any clean dishes (describing the facts). That made me angry (description of feelings). I wish we would both stick to our agreements. Or that you give me a heads up if you can't! (wording of a request)."

Thanks to this non-violent communication, Jonah would have the opportunity to respond and would be able to better assess the situation. He would know exactly what made Charlie so angry and what he could change so that the situation would not escalate again next time.

Do you feel the same way as Charlie and Jonah? Would you also like to learn how to talk to each other without violence, but keep getting carried away? Book a session with one of our coaches today - we're sure we can help.

Solution: 1. need to be understood; 2. need for quiet; 3. need for attention. Requests: 1. I would like you to be more attentive in certain situations. For example, it would help me a lot if you, as a passenger in the car, would also look to see if there are other cars coming from the side streets. 2. it is important to me that we have real conversations. When I tell you something, I would like you to answer me in complete sentences. One-syllable answers make me feel like I'm not being heard. 3. I would like us to do household chores together. I would suggest that we take turns every day.

Source: Psychologie Heute

Words can hurt or do incredible good - it's up to us. The key to success: non-violent communication.

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Nonviolent communication: How we learn to speak better