**Misunderstandings exist in every relationship. If you learn to deal with them, you learn to love more easily.**

"Say what you want!" shouts Sarah in a rage and storms out of the room. While the hinges of the door are still struggling with the force with which it has just been slammed shut, a big question mark appears in Lea's head. And she thinks, "Am I doing it?".

Sarah had asked Lea earlier what she would like to do this weekend. Lea talked about her week, about the projects she still had to work on, about her colleagues, about her stress. And then it suddenly escalated.

Lea doesn't know exactly what happened. But she does know that her communication with Sarah failed, and not for the first time. She wishes she finally understood better what was happening. For her, communication is sometimes like a big, locked box of wonders.

## Relationship box: Communication

Let's open this box of wonders and venture inside to take a look. The simplest model to describe the transmission of meaning and nonsense in the form of language speaks of a sender and a receiver. In between, communication "happens". Somehow.

Whoever uses language to do just that is always balancing on a narrow little wall. This little wall connects the sender and the receiver. The stones of this little wall consist in part of the sender's own, i.e. individual, expression and personality. 

The other part of the bricks consists of the language world of the other, the convention to speak to each other. The cement that holds these stones together is language itself. And it consists not only of words, but also of conventions: What "one" says and doesn't say, what is (un)polite, what it means to be friendly, and whether it is desirable to be friendly at all. If you now look at this wall and have no idea what I mean by it, then I, who am writing these lines, fall straight down.

Let's try it again and put numbers to all the participants: If two speak, one (1) wants to communicate something to the other (2) (3). In doing so, one (1) uses both his own world of language and experience in communicating (3), but must also use the language that the other (2) knows. **Communication is thus always a balancing act between individuality and conformity.

To be able to grasp the system of language a little better is important so that relationships can become easier. Because each:r brings his own experiences into a relationship. When someone says "Leave me alone!", this can mean that he or she is actually longing for attention. But maybe that's exactly what it means to your partner: the desire to be left alone. So how can we find out what our counterpart actually means?

The answer lies in the communication itself: We cannot avoid asking. But before we ask, it helps if we make ourselves and our partner aware that we cannot always understand what the other person means.

Relationships also mean opening up to each other and finding a new form of communication. Every relationship has its own language, its own conventions.

The sociologist Ervin Goffmann introduced the concept of social roles here. In his text "We All Play Theater. Self-presentation in everyday life" he stated that every relationship brings its own rules: I as a partner:in, I as a best:r friend:in, I as a work colleague:in, I as a customer:in the supermarket. And for each of these roles there is its own unwritten set of rules for behavior and for language. It would be strange if we spoke the same way in the bakery as we do during sex.

## Accepting differences

Once that first step is taken, it's on to the fine print: deciphering differences in language and also appreciating differences in directness. Some people tend to say things "around the corner" while others value direct communication. If both sides are aware of this, a lot is already gained.

Back to Sarah and Lea. How can we help them? Once Sarah is back, the initial outrage will have subsided a bit. After that, it will be time to gently talk to each other. For example, Lea might ask what it was that got Sarah so upset. Sarah will then say that it bothers her when Lea doesn't say exactly what she actually means, but expresses her wishes indirectly. Lea will be able to explain to her that she simply doesn't know yet how she will feel on Friday night and that this is exactly what she wanted to express with her narrative.

Then it will be up to both of them to try to understand the other - and to find a common, compromising language. And in such a way that the little wall does not become a wall.

*You love your partner, but you keep misunderstanding each other? Misunderstandings are the order of the day? Book an appointment with one of our coaches today - let's talk!*

Source: Ervin Goffmann: We all play theater. Self-presentation in everyday life. Piper Verlag, 2003.

Learning to speak to each other properly is the basic recipe for loving more easily. The realization helps: communication is the balance between individuality and conformity.

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"Say what you want!" - On the art of talking to each other