**An unfulfilled desire to have children can take its toll. Especially when getting pregnant doesn't work out for a long time, couples start to doubt and wonder what the problem could be. How we find the right way to deal with this depends above all on the support system we have around us.**

And another negative test. The unfulfilled desire to have children is slowly starting to gnaw at Tino and Elena. They have been trying "it" for almost a year now and somehow it doesn't quite want to work out. They already have an app to track Elena's fertile days and Tino has long since cut back on his favorite hobby: riding his bike. This is because the increased temperature in the genital area caused by riding while sitting is said to harm the sperm. Both also pay attention to a healthy diet and exercise regularly, although not too much. And still it doesn't work out. And slowly the whole situation makes them nervous. The couple's relationship begins to suffer.

## Unfulfilled desire to have children: What can be the reason?

First of all, it's not unusual for fertilization not to work right away. **Because on average, three to twelve months pass before a couple becomes pregnant during regular sex**. After that, one speaks - at least in the words of the World Health Organization (WHO) - of a "sterile partnership". But even that is just a matter of definition. For many couples, it still works out after this time, but the probability decreases. The fact is: In Germany, almost every tenth couple between the ages of 25 and 59 is involuntarily childless.

Whether the attempts succeed over time or whether it remains with the unfulfilled desire to have children depends on a whole series of factors. These include:

- Age of both partners (the likelihood of getting pregnant decreases with age).
- Health condition
- Genetic conditions
- Living situation

The last point is often underestimated: private and professional stress can be a factor that has a negative impact on fertility. Especially when the couple puts themselves under pressure that it "finally has to work out" with the desire to have children, a negative stress pattern can develop that becomes more and more pronounced.

Basically, we can distinguish between two factors that can affect our desire to have children: Those we can influence and those we have less influence on.

## You want to have children? This is what you can do

First and foremost, successful fertilization is a question of timing. A woman's egg can be fertilized in a period of 12 to 24 hours. And this is during ovulation, about 14 days before the end of the respective cycle. If you have sex around this time, the window of opportunity is increased a little more. This is because the man's sperm can survive in the woman's body for up to five days. In total, you can therefore expect about five to six days per cycle in which you can become pregnant.

Appropriate cycle tracking apps can help you find the right time. Here, the woman enters the days on which she has her period, and the app then calculates the approximate time of ovulation. Another option is to regularly measure the woman's body temperature. This is around 36.5 degrees Celsius in the first half of the cycle. After ovulation, it rises by at least 0.2-0.5 degrees Celsius.

But getting the timing right is not always easy. Because every body is different, fluctuations in the regularity of the cycle can occur, you should not worry about that! Also, the length of a cycle can vary not only from woman to woman, but also from month to month.

## Fertility: These factors influence the sperms

There are also some things that men can do to improve the quality of their sperm. First and foremost, this includes a healthy lifestyle. Alcohol should be avoided as much as possible. This is because alcohol causes testosterone levels to drop. And this means that fewer sperm are produced overall. Another risk factor is smoking. Because nicotine not only reduces sperm count, but also their motility. Both alcohol and nicotine can also affect the genetic material, which in turn can lead to premature births. If you manage to cut out both, you have already achieved a lot.

Furthermore, the man should take care to avoid high testicle temperatures over a longer period of time. Regular sauna sessions, tight underwear, and a lot of sitting can make it a bit too comfortable down there - the sperm count drops.

A healthy lifestyle can't hurt either. Risk factors such as being overweight or underweight, malnutrition and high stress levels can cause sperm quality to suffer.

Important info at this point: sperm are formed regularly and take about three months to mature. Changes in lifestyle and behavior can therefore have an effect here, even in the relatively short term.

## Unfulfilled desire to have children? Don't stress!

However, the most important thing is that you cause yourself as little stress as possible during this time. Because as soon as you start to put yourself under pressure, your whole plan will suffer. If you only have sex when your cycle app suggests it, the quality of your time together will suffer.

To avoid stress, it can also help to have your biological factors checked. For the woman, for example, it is advisable to have her fertility checked. For this, you can turn to our partners at LEVY - a digital platform dedicated to holistic fertility medicine. The team has developed a system that promises to find out the causes of an unfulfilled desire to have children in the best possible way. To that end, Levy has outlined four steps it will use to help you address your unfulfilled desire to have children.

If you go through the process together, LEVY will work with you through the following steps. You can find there Homepage here: [Click!](https://www.levy.health/)

#### 1. Medical questionnaire

Together with fertility doctors, LEVY has developed a questionnaire. This helps to better understand your situation based on the information you provide. Once you have filled it out, LEVY will analyze it with an algorithm and determine your risk profile. This profile will then be used to recommend your biomarkers for blood sampling in the laboratory.

#### 2. LEVY Care Team Call

To prepare for your lab appointment, someone from the LEVY team will contact you. He or she will explain how the lab blood draw works and what to look for.

#### 3. The Lab Visit

After you talk to the LEVY team, you will choose a lab near you. The LEVY team will send you a QR code. You can use it to show up at your lab unannounced to have your blood drawn.

#### 4. Talk to one of the LEVY infertility doctors.

Once the blood results are in and decoded, it is time to discuss them with one of the LEVY fertility doctors. In a video call, he or she will go over the results with you and discuss ways to increase your fertility.

During this process, the man's sperm may also be examined. Having what is called a spermiogram will help determine if there is anything wrong with your sperm quality.

## And if it still doesn't work out?

Now you should know exactly where you stand and what steps you should take next. If biological factors for your unfulfilled desire to have a child are ruled out, the next step is to keep the external and internal factors stable and keep trying! You will manage.

However, if you are actually infertile, this is no reason to despair. Even for couples with a biological or genetic unfulfilled desire to have children, there are ways and possibilities to bring children into life. For example, through artificial insemination, but also through medical support. Here, too, LEVY will advise you in detail about your options.

A small tip: If you have financial concerns about artificial insemination, it may be worthwhile to look for funding programs. The German Federal Ministry for Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth, for example, provides information on possible subsidies.

## Coaching can also help

Whether you're watching your diet, your fertile window, or limiting sauna days for your husband: It can all come with a lot of stress. According to a study by the German Society for Psychosomatic Gynecology and Obstetrics (DGPFG), "People who try unsuccessfully to become pregnant suffer more from anxiety, depressive symptoms, stress, and a feeling of isolation and loss of control." These are all potential factors to avoid.

If you're not coping, it's important to look at your stress management. In addition, it can help tremendously to allow difficult emotions such as grief and shame and to communicate them openly with each other. In this way, you can emerge from a difficult situation stronger than before.

If you need support, you can also contact us at Dearest. Just book a session with one of our coaches! Together we will find solutions to lower your stress level and make dealing with an unfulfilled desire for a child as healthy as possible for you.

*Sources: A.J. Weblus: Psyche and unfulfilled desire to have children - Some relevant aspects. In: Gyne 07/2019, online publication.*

*Susanne Read et al: Psychological services for couples in infertility treatment: what do couples really want? In: Parient Education and Counseling, Volume 94, 2014, pp. 390-395.*

*Federal Ministry for Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth: Hilfe und Unterstützung bei ungewollter Kinderlosigkeit. Online publication.*

An unfulfilled desire to have children can have a negative impact on relationship health. How can we learn to deal with it? 

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Unfulfilled desire to have children - this is how we can deal with it