‍**The pain after a relationship has ended can seem unbearable. This makes it all the more important to deal with it in a healthy way.**

"It just didn't work out any more," Lana tells her best friend Sandro, "we were at a dead end. I knew: I have to break up now. Otherwise we'll both break down." Lana wipes the tears from her eyes as she clutches her tea and continues. "And it still hurts so much. You know, it wasn't because we didn't love each other anymore or anything. But we just didn't make it work anymore. It wasn't working out anymore. What am I going to do now?"

**How can you overcome the pain of a breakup?**
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Many people feel the same way as Lana. After a relationship has ended, they suddenly find themselves alone, an integral part of their life has broken away. Getting through such a situation well can be one of the most difficult tasks we face in life. Many then plunge into unhealthy behaviour, blinded by grief, perhaps hurt or angry. Whether it's the numbing effects of alcohol or drugs, the beguiling gratification of numerous one-night stands, or even a mixture of both: Healthy ways of dealing with break-up pain look different. Suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviour are also not uncommon.* This makes it all the more important to have healthy strategies to get out of an ended relationship as healthily as possible.

**Unfortunately, many people are not equipped to deal with relationships that have ended. The topic of the pain of separation and how to deal with it in a healthy way is often ignored.**

Psychologists and therapists from McGill University in Montreal (Canada) recommend the following strategies for dealing with separation pain.

1\.  Allow feelings

The first important lesson to learn about the pain of separation is how to deal with your own feelings. A relationship that has ended virtually overwhelms us with feelings, most of which we perceive as negative. Whether sadness, jealousy, anger, confusion or resentment - we have to allow all these feelings, even if they are difficult. However, it is also important that we do not sink into them, but accept them as part of our grief and perceive them for what they are. Over time, the pain becomes less if we deal with it and don't swallow it. During the pain of separation, people go through very similar phases as when a loved one dies. These are displacement, anger, negotiation, despair and at some point: acceptance.

2\.  You can do it on your own!

Remember: You haven't always been in a relationship. Even though you might have gotten used to it and couldn't imagine being alone - you've made it without a partner before. And you will manage again. So when the pain of separation grips you, remember: you can do it alone! Each of us has to go through life on our own two feet. That's the only way to be ready for new, healthy relationships later on. Take a piece of paper and answer the following questions:

*   How did I spend my time before I was in the relationship?
*   What excited me when I was single?
*   In which moments do I feel happy and independent?

3\.  Learn from your mistakes

If you already have the paper in your hand, you can just keep writing. Especially when it hurts, you can learn a lot from what went wrong. Look at the mistakes you or both of you made and learn from them. Then you won't have to make them again in the next relationship (even though you might be miles away at the moment). Maybe you'll also find out what you want from a relationship, what feels good and what feels less good. And by the way, writing also helps you to process. You can put the pain into words and write it down on a piece of paper. It doesn't hurt quite so much then.

4\.  Avoid destructive behaviour

Very important when dealing with the pain of separation: don't fall for the temptations of self-destruction! Drinking yourself into a coma, taking drugs, partying all night, excessive eating or starvation, cracking, gambling or even working too much will not heal your wounds. You only cover them up with very, very bad make-up. But underneath it continues to hurt. And if you don't allow the core emotions, they can get worse. Find new routines, maybe a new hobby. And get together with your friends, talk to them about the pain of your break-up and let it out!

5\.  Allow difficult feelings

Use your break-up pain and make something out of it. Talk about it or paint it as a picture, write it down and let it work for you. Maybe you can shout your anger into the woods or use it as an impulse and just run at it. However you frame it, allow the feelings, accept them, feel them, but don't let them consume you. Reach out to the people you care about and share your pain with them, because everyone has experienced it. You are not alone in your grief!

You got out of a relationship and don't know how to deal with all the pain of your break-up? Let's talk about it! Book a free 30-minute session with one of our coaches today.

###### _\*In emergencies or if you need help, contact your doctor or psychotherapist or the telephone counselling service. You can reach the telephone counselling service around the clock on the toll-free numbers 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222. Here you can get competent, confidential and anonymous help. Consult a doctor or psychologist if you are suffering from physical (i.e. recurrent insomnia, digestive problems, listlessness) or psychological (i.e. lethargy, sadness) symptoms.._

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The pain of a break-up can hurt immensely. That makes it all the more important to deal with it in a healthy way. That way you can use it and make something good out of it.

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The pain of separation: how to deal with it in a healthy way