**Resilience (also: mental resilience) can help us get through difficult situations. In phases of separation, it enables us to come out of the crisis healthy.**

**The seven pillars of resilience in separation**
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We have already heard from Lana. She is currently trying to alleviate her heartbreak and has already learned some important things in the process. If Lana now manages to internalise the seven pillars of resilience, she will be well equipped to come out of the break-up as healthy as possible.

1\. Acceptance

Since Lana's relationship ended, she keeps thinking, "If we had taken a different turn then and worked on ourselves more, we could still be together today". That may be true. But such thoughts do not help. In difficult phases of life, including break-ups, we have to try to accept things as they are without losing ourselves in spirals of thought. The next time Lana notices that she is lost in what-if thoughts, she could practise mindfulness. This means noticing the thought and letting it move on.

2\. Optimism

Probably one of the toughest nuts Lana has to crack now: Looking on the bright side. Surely, in the last months, maybe even years, of the relationship, a lot of things have accumulated that didn't go so well, that annoyed her and that she can now do without. The good thing about it? She can do without it now! She no longer has to bother with all the things that bothered her about her relationship.

If you are like Lana, take a piece of paper and write down all the things that have negatively affected you in the relationship. Realise that they no longer have to bother you and try to smile. Even though it may feel inappropriate or even artificial at first, it's worth a try. Your brain will appreciate it.

But be careful: don't get carried away with negative thoughts, but accept them and let them go by writing them down. Of course, you can also express them in other ways: Record them, write a song, a poem or simply write it in the forest - there are no limits to your imagination. It doesn't matter what it looks like afterwards. It's just for you and your path to resilience!

**Find your strengths and become aware of them**
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3\. Self-efficacy

In order to strengthen one's own self-efficacy, people are allowed to become aware of their strengths. Take the paper again and answer the following questions:

*   What am I particularly good at?
*   What roles have I taken on in the relationship that have been good for both of them?
*   What did I learn during the relationship that will help me in my future life?

These strengths must now be internalised. Then you will soon realise: You can do it on your own!

4\.  Responsibility

Resilient people take responsibility for themselves. Even though it may be difficult, Lana should think about what she was responsible for in the relationship, but also in the separation phase. It is also important to recognise her weaknesses. But: Don't fall into self-reproach! Weaknesses also belong to us! That is why it is all the more important to integrate them into our lives and accept them. Only in this way is it possible to bring more resilience into our lives.

5\. Network orientation

The fifth pillar of resilience is network orientation. This includes the network of friends, family and all people close to us. Resilient people know about their social safety net and can rely on someone being there for them. Lana also knows that she can always turn to her friends when the pain of separation becomes too much for her.

6\. Solution orientation

Especially when we are in a crisis, we tend to think over and over again about what went wrong. This can go so far that we can no longer sleep or slip into depression. The key to resilience is to think of solutions here. Because: We know the problems. But only if we solve them can we manage to turn them into something good. Instead of thinking about all the things that went wrong in the relationship, it would be healthier to look for the solutions. So, what can we do to prevent the mistakes from happening to us again? If you are in such a situation right now, you know what to do: get out your paper and pen and look for solutions! You can do it.

7\. Future orientation
 If we observe all of the above pillars of resilience, in principle we have no choice but to orient ourselves towards the future. After all, life goes on after the relationship. And with a little work on ourselves and the seven pillars of resilience in our luggage, it will also become easier at some point. That's a promise!

Are you struggling with your relationship or don't think you can overcome the pain of separation? You would like to learn resilience but don't know how? Then let's talk! Book a trial session with one of our coaches today.

What is resilience? Learn about the seven pillars of resilience and how they can help us come out of break-ups healthy.

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Resilience - How mental resilience can help us during separations