What are the four apocalyptic horsemen in a partnership and how to deal with them?

Something has changed, but not for the better. Since Charlie has been living with Jonah, he is constantly noticing new things and uncovered false assumptions. A dirty plate here, a single sock there, and the bathroom! Ah, man should clean that up too.

### **Unknown companions: The four apocalyptic horsemen**

At first, Charlie didn't say anything, After all, he didn't want to stress Jonah too much. But today he finally took heart and confronted Jonah: "You always leave your plates lying around and you never tidy your socks! I wouldn't have thought you were such a messy guy!". Completely surprised, Jonah flinches. He is so shocked by Charlie's criticism that he simply leaves the room without saying a word. Charlie scratches his head, a little startled. What was that all about? Outside, Jonah says to himself, "I just didn't have time to clean up today. Charlie should know that!"

The apocalyptic horsemen, a concept that goes back to the psychologist John Gottmann, have crept into their communication. After the intoxication of infatuation with all its splendor had faded away, it left a vacant space. The two have filled it with love and security - but also with routine and tension.

### **The four apocalyptic horsemen in love: criticism, contempt, justification, and walls**

1.  **Criticism**

Don't misunderstand: Differences in the relationship are not fundamentally wrong! However, it always depends on how you express them. It is important to express your differences in the form of a complaint and to stay with your own feelings.

2.  **Contempt**

Contempt is considered one of the most dangerous of the apocalyptic horsemen in communication. If Charlie doesn't work on his communication soon, he might someday say: "It looks nice here again, I really like how you always leave everything". With a sarcastic or cynical undertone, he would have expressed his contempt for Jonah. Other signs of contempt are disrespect, derogatory humor, or mockery toward your partner. If you notice that contempt has crept into your communication, it is time to be mindful of each other and discuss the problems.

3.  **Walls**

Back to Jona: He was very passive in the argument. That is because he stonewalled to protect himself and his feelings. He galloped out of the room with his apocalyptic rider and left Charlie standing alone. This is partly because Charlie framed his complaint as a criticism; Jona did not have the opportunity to respond appropriately. The healthier way would be to be sensitive to the partner and his feelings and to look for a solution together.

4.  **Justification**

The fourth of the apocalyptic horsemen is justification which might be brought on when reacting to criticism. Jonah feels cornered, leaves the room, and justifies himself - after all, he has to defend himself somehow! Of course, it would be nicer if he had the opportunity to react appropriately. To do this, both would have to talk to each other and discuss the problems calmly in order to find solutions together. Here, too, the following applies: take care of each other, respect the other person(s) and keep to yourself.
  
Have the apocalyptic horsemen already moved into your relationship and would you like to save it? Book one of our certified online coaches today and get advice!
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What do we mean by the four apocalyptic horsemen in relationships and partnerships? We will tell you how to recognise them.

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The four apocalyptic horsemen of communication in love