Alex is annoyed. Robin can't get away from work again. Actually, the two of them wanted to have a nice evening tonight. They had planned it for a long time: put their feet up, order a pizza and munch on the sofa. But once again nothing came of it. Alex winced gently when she heard the noise shortly before 8 p.m. that always comes when Robin receives another e-mail from her boss. 

And then Robin can't say no but has to finish the task, whatever it looks like, by hook or by crook. She doesn't do things by halves, she learned that as a child. Alex actually admires that too, she thinks it's great that Robin is so determined. But for the relationship, Alex feels more and more clearly, this to be poison. But she swallows her anger, after all, she doesn't want to add to her friend's stress. Even before Robin says "I just have to finish this", Alex has already resigned herself to spending the evening alone on the couch.

Do you find yourself in either of them?

1. "Yes, I feel like Alex"

2. "I can see myself in Robin".

3. "I can't identify with either Alex or Robin".

Robin has a so-called inner driver that tells her "You are OK if you are perfect". Alex has another driver that tells her, "You are OK if you are strong". Most people have such inner drivers. And they are deeply rooted in us. So deeply that they control our feelings, thoughts and behaviour almost automatically.

At first glance, the qualities that the inner drivers produce are useful and desirable. Strength and independence; accuracy and flawlessness; friendliness and kindness; speed and the ability to seize opportunities, but also thoroughness and perseverance are qualities they spur us on. 

The catch? They often overshoot the mark and don't know when enough is enough. People like Robin then feel they are not good enough and people like Alex sit on the couch annoyed because of it.

### The inner drivers and how to appease them

But we are not helplessly at their mercy. If we recognise our inner drivers, we can calm them down with permission sentences. This takes a little practice. But with time, the inner drivers become quieter.

Here you can find out which inner drivers there are and how you can deal with them. 

**"I am ok when I am perfect". **
It is not only the result that counts, but also the way to get there is hard work! It's perfectly OK to make mistakes sometimes. Your partner also thinks you're great when you don't try to be perfect. Why don't you ask? 

**"I am ok when I am strong"**
It's okay if you are strong. But you are also allowed to have needs. Trust your feelings and listen to them. Your partner will be happy if you tell him/her about them.

**"I'm ok if I hurry"**
You can take time for yourself and do things the way they feel right for you. When you are in situations or with people that are good for you, allow yourself to enjoy them. Your partner is sure to like you even if you are not the fastest 😊 

**"I am ok if I please others"**
Your own opinion is important. It doesn't have to be the same as everyone else's. You are allowed to find out what is important to you personally and act accordingly. Once you have found your own style and show it, it is much more impressive anyway.

**"I'm ok if I try hard"**
You don't have to think for others and take responsibility for them. They can do it on their own. When you reach a goal, you can be happy about it! It's okay not to rush to the next task. If you try to achieve your goals in a light and easy way, that's okay too. If you get help to do this, it can feel surprisingly good. You're sure to find some people around you who are happy to give you a hand! 

Do you want to know more about yourself and why you are the way you are?

What are your inner driving forces? How to recognise them, deal with them, and how to improve communication in your relationship.

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Inner drivers: Unrecognised companions in everyday life