**Some people sabotage themselves and their relationships over and over again - and often don't know why.**

And again it happened. Tina had met a really nice guy, went on a date with him and everything was great. But on the third date, she noticed his little quirks, for example, how he kept plucking at his eyebrows while he was talking, and the way he spoke didn't appeal to her one hundred percent either. And then it was over. She couldn't continue seeing him, started ghosting him. Her dream man doesn't do that, she thought to herself. And she was on to the next date.

## Sabotage and how it endangers relationships

Tina is, without knowing it, a saboteur. She sabotages herself and with it all her (potential) love relationships. Affected people who are like Tina work hard to make their relationships not work. This often has to do with a deep-seated fear. But let's take it one step at a time.

The concept of relationship sabotage can be traced back to Raquel Peel and Nerina Caltabiano, among others. In their article "The relationship sabotage scale: an evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity," the researchers developed a scale for measuring sabotage in which they distinguish between three main forms of sabotage.

## The three forms of sabotage

First, there are those saboteur:ins we can probably best describe as the "hopelessly romantic" ones. Tina is one of them. They jump from relationship to relationship, but can't and don't want to commit themselves for a long time. This is because they are always on the lookout for the one, great and perfect love.

Another group of self and relationship saboteurs we call emotional-absent. They often linger in long-term relationships that may not have worked for a long time. And yet they hold on to them. But they check out emotionally, live past their partner, and continue their relationship without working on it or nurturing the relationship.

Finally, there is a third group who completely refuse to get into relationships in the first place. By not entering into a relationship in the first place, the (often unconscious) calculation goes, they can rule out hurt.

## Fear as a cause

Peel and Caltabiano state that such types of sabotage are often related to inner struggles and an imbalance in the soul life of those involved. And this imbalance, and possibly dissatisfaction and vulnerability, then affects the relationships people have. This is not limited to the classic love relationship, but can also show up in one form or another in relationships with colleagues, friends or family.

Such relationship sabotage can be understood as a pattern. Ultimately, such a pattern leads to preventing a successful relationship. It also justifies a failure of the relationship - before it even begins. Such self-sabotage is in principle a brain acrobatic feat. Because those affected ensure from the very beginning that their relationships will not work out. And when the time comes, they can justify this with their own behavior, but also with the behavior that they trigger in their loved ones. There the relationship cat bites itself insulted and courageously into the own tail!

Often such behaviors are also related to an insecure or anxious-ambivalent attachment style. People with such an attachment style fight off an attachment that is too close, while at the same time seeking closeness.

## What causes sabotage in relationships?

The reasons for sabotage in relationships are as varied as the people themselves and can best be clarified in individual conversations with coaches. What is certain in the vast majority of cases, however, is that behind self and relationship sabotage is an unwelcome feeling: fear.

According to Peel and Caltabiano, the fear of being hurt (again), of being rejected, or the fear of being abandoned are among the main reasons for sabotaging one's own relationships in advance. Further, low self-confidence prevents people from working on their relationships and tends to lead them to resort to defensive strategies and lose hope. Such defensive strategies, along with trust issues and a lack of relationship skills, are among the main characteristics that lead to relationship sabotage.

Defensiveness or defensiveness is a self-protective mechanism. People who are afraid of being attacked sometimes resort to this strategy to protect themselves from danger - even though it may not be real, but only feel that way to them.

Trust issues often stem from people being hurt or having their trust abused in the past. People with trust issues also often struggle with jealousy and maintain an insecure attachment style.

Finally, a lack of relationship skills is reflected in the fact that those affected do not understand, or understand only poorly, how a relationship works. How to talk to each other, how to argue without hurting each other or how to talk about feelings - all this is difficult to grasp in such cases. This lack of relationship skills is among the main reasons for relationship and self-sabotage and not infrequently comes hand in hand with trust issues and defensiveness.

## Sabotage in the relationship: What you can do

But now back to Tina: how can we help her? First, it's important to explore her relationship problems in more detail. She is obviously still looking for the one great love, without acknowledging that she is perhaps chasing an ideal image that does not exist in this form. Understanding this and becoming aware of it is a first important and huge step in the right direction. Then it is a matter of going a little deeper and finding the fear that is behind her sabotage: Does she perhaps not want to commit because she fears that the relationship will disappoint her expectations? Or has she been disappointed in the past and is now afraid of it happening again? If she asks herself these questions and is honest with herself, chances are good that the next relationship will be something. Even without the damn Prince Charming.

*You know you sabotage your relationships and would like to change that? You know someone who is like Tina? Then don't hesitate and book a trial session with one or our coaches. We can certainly help.*

Sabotage in relationships almost always starts with oneself. It often has to do with fear, insecurity and jealousy.

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Not like this! How people sabotage themselves and their relationship