**Money in a relationship is often a taboo subject. But it is especially important in long-term relationships to come to a common financial denominator.**

Whether in a relationship or as an individual, how we deal with money varies from person to person. This has to do with our *financial socialization*. It is shaped by the way our parents handle money and their relationship to it. If our parents are spendthrifts, it may well rub off on us. If our own parents are or were rather thrifty people, we are most likely to copy that. When people with different financial socializations now meet and set up a joint household or have joint financial expenses, this can bring conflicts.

Financial socialization also affects how and whether we talk about money. For example, if financial predicaments such as debt or even a lack of money tended to be avoided during conversations, we will also find it difficult to talk about the topic later on. So how do we find the right words for that topic that rules our world?

## Money and relationship: how can we talk about it?

If you have never talked about money in your relationship before or if the topic is pre-occupied, prepare a little. Decide together on a day and time when you both have some time. Give some thought beforehand, perhaps taking notes on the following questions:

- How much money do we need each month for food, rent, and similar expenses?
- How much will my leisure activities cost?
- What is my personal budget?
- What things are important to me, what do I spend my money on?
- Are there expenses I can do without?
- Which expenses should we pay together, which expenses are just for me?
- What value does money have for me? How often do I think about money and what feelings do I have about it?
- What are my biggest fears about money?
- How was money discussed by my parents?
- How did I think about money as a child?

As you discuss the answers to these questions, it is important to accept each other's priorities. How much and whether you place value on certain things, and how much, varies from person to person. Also discuss the value of money in your childhood and in your parents' home. In this way, you will also learn about your counterpart's attitude towards money and perhaps find out why you think about money in a certain way.

Some spend money on good food, others care about high-quality clothing, and still others cultivate expensive hobbies and invest what feels like a fortune in their garden gnome collection. As long as these things remain within the means of the individual, one should try to accept the preferences of the other. That's assuming these expenses don't come out of savings or accounts meant for joint spending.

## A joint account can prevent problems

When people live together, a joint account can save a lot of math and nerves. If you agree in advance which expenses will be charged to a joint account, you'll have to deal with the issue less often and have time for other things.

If you decide to do this, ideally you set it up together and decide what it will be used for. This could be rent, food or other household-related purchases. You still keep your own account.

Once a joint account has been set up, it's time to start calculating: How much money do we need for rent and food? What are our fixed costs? If you both set up a standing order for a certain amount, you'll ensure that your fixed costs are covered. That way, you don't have to worry about the basics and can still spend your remaining money on garden gnomes.

If your financial situation allows, you can also think about setting up a joint savings account. Find a fixed amount that doesn't hurt either of you and set up a standing order for that as well. It is advisable to date this to the beginning of the month. Ideally, the amount is so high or low that you do not have to limit yourselves further. Even if the amounts are small, they add up over time and after a while are enough for joint trips or vacations.

You can also set a target amount that you will save together. Agree beforehand on what you want to spend it on. This way, the topic of money in the relationship gets a more pleasant flavor.

## Shared money is half the money

It would be nice if we were all paid fairly and equally. But the [Gender Pay Gap]( https://app.hellodearest.io/de/article/female-empowerment-alle-geschlechter-sind-stark) still speaks a different language. Also, different skills, priorities (work time, effort, salary desires, expenses) and perceptions will result in people having different amounts of money available in relationships. This inevitably raises the question: do we split everything 50/50? How can we make it fair?

Here it can be useful to make a statement of the annual income for both parties. You put this in proportion. If one of the partners earns 30,000 euros and the other person 20,000, the ratio would be 60 percent to 40 percent. If you would like to have a fair distribution of expenses according to your income, you could divide the money that you transfer to the joint account each month according to this percentage. But this is only a suggested solution - you may well find another way that is right for you. The important thing is that you both feel comfortable with it. Because learned behaviors, beliefs, experiences, and values play a role here, and they can be different for each person.

## Talking about money in the relationship: Make it a habit

You don't talk about money? You should. If you don't talk about your salary, you facilitate unfair pay. And if you don't talk about money in the relationship, you risk injustice and frustration. Even if it's hard at first, it gets easier with practice. If you talk regularly about your spending, income, and attitude toward money, you'll get routine about it and find a common way to keep your financial relationship healthy. 

*Money is a taboo subject with you? You don't dare to talk about it, but you know it's necessary? One of our coaches can help you find the right words. Just book an appointment.*

Source: Ullah, Saif; Yusheng, Kong: Financial Socialization, Childhood Experiences and Financial Well-Being: The Mediating Role of Locus of Control. In: Frontiers of Psychology, 2020.

You don't talk about money? No way! Especially in relationships, it's important to get the subject on the table. How do we find the right words?

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Talking about money: How do we plan our joint finances?