Love is everywhere. In songs, in books, in pictures, between people and in films. It is also present in science - and repeatedly the subject of theories. The U.S. psychologist Robert Sternberg, for example, has taken on this wonderful phenomenon. The result is his "Triangle Theory of Love."

## Triangle theory of love

Robert Sternberg assumes that love is composed of three components. These are *familiarity/intimacy*, *passion*, and *decision/commitment*.

The *familiarity* is the close bond that friends, as well as lovers, can feel. It can also become *intimacy* as familiarity grows.

A *passion* rises when people are attracted to each other, feel sexual desire, and can hardly let go of each other. It drives people to want to be together.

In a *decision*, we "decide" to love a person. In the long run, we then *commit* to that person and love them - this is called "commitment" in English. However, the two aspects *decision/commitment* do not necessarily have to be coupled to each other. So we can decide to love a person without making a long-term commitment. On the other hand, we can also decide to have a relationship without actually loving the other person.

This triangle gives rise to a total of eight models of love, which vary depending on the combination.

## Eight forms of love

If none of the three pillars *familiarity*, *passion* or *decision/commitment* is fulfilled, we speak of *non-love*. Such relationships lack depth and seem cold.

*Liking* occurs primarily in friendships. When people like each other, the component of *familiarity* is fulfilled.

We speak of *infatuation* especially when passion has the upper hand. It does not always last for a long time, but can also pass quickly. Often infatuation is associated with physical reactions such as palpitations and "butterflies in the stomach".

*Empty love* is the state when it is decided that one loves the other person and commits to that love without any familiarity or passion remaining. This can happen when passion leaves the relationship in long-term relationships. Often couples maintain such connections anyway - for example, because they have had children together.

*Romantic love* is the state when *passion* and *familiarity* meet. The component of *long-term commitment* is usually less pronounced.

In long-term friendships or even family ties, *camaraderie* *love* occurs. It is based on both *familiarity* and the *decision* to stay "together" for a long time.

A *simple love* is infused with passion, but lacks familiarity. This can be the case, for example, when people fall head over heels in love within a short period of time or enter into a romantic relationship. This type of relationship often ends after a short time.

The *perfect love* is, so to speak, the filled triangle. With it, there is both *familiarity,* but also *passion* and the *decision* to walk the path together. Jackpot!

## All gray theory?

The triangle theory of love is a scientific model. And such a model never manages to completely represent reality. After all, we all bring our own experiences and perhaps all have our own understanding of love. 

A useful complement to Sternberg's reflections are the remarks of Holger Kuntze, who speaks of three different states of aggreatness in relationships. He distinguishes between passion (love in the belly), living together and negotiating (head thing) and friendship and wisdom (heart thing). These different states are independent of each other. In an ideal relationship, they occur together - but they can also alternate or occur one after the other. So love and relationship with others is not rigid, but always moving. It is entirely up to us whether we stand still or move forward!

Again and again couples think that it is enough that the passion and love is intense. But then they fail at being together and in everyday life. Still others try to negotiate all differences. According to Kuntze, however, in the end it is crucial to meet each other lovingly, respectfully and benevolently. This is how all three levels come together: Head, heart and belly!

In all these phases it is in any case crucial for a healthy relationship to meet the partner:in lovingly and respectfully. It is important to be supportive and respectful - no matter what phase you are in.

**And what do I do with it now?**

Maybe you feel that something is missing in your relationship? Why don't you try taking a closer look at your relationship? Take all three components of love and ask yourself if they are present and how strong they are. It's best to write down all three and rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how intensely they are present in your relationship. Once you've done that, you can put your relationship into one of the categories above and think about whether you want to change your relationship.

*You're missing something in your relationship, but you don't know what the problem is? Book a trial session with one of our coaches!

Robert Sternberg's triangle theory of love can help us better understand relationships. 

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Love in the Triangle - Between Passion, Intimacy and Commitment