The reasons for sabotage in relationships are as varied as the people themselves. However, according the psychologists Raquel Peel and Nerina Caltabiano, there are three main way of sabotaging relationships. 

Take the short test and find out if and how you are sabotaging your relationships and how to change it.




Relationship sabotage is one of the reasons why relationships fail again and again, or why we do not live fulfilling long-term relationships.

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Are you sabotaging your relationships?

I get blamed unfairly for issues in my relationship.

I often feel misunderstood by my partner.

I constantly feel criticised by my partner.

My partner makes me feel a lesser person.

I get upset about how much time my partner spends with their friends.

I believe that to keep my partner safe I need to know where my partner is.

I sometimes check my partner’s social media profiles.

When I notice that my partner is upset, I try to put myself in their shoes so I can understand where they are coming from.

I am open to finding solutions and working out issues in the relationship.

I will admit to my partner if I know I am wrong about something.

I am open to my partner telling me about things I should do to improve our relationship.

#### You scored low on the Relationship Sabotage Scale. What does it mean for you?

That is good news!

Even if you might display some relationship sabotaging behaviours from time to time, it is not a destructive pattern that goes through your life.

Relationship sabotage can be defined as a pattern of self-defeating attitudes and behaviors in (and out) of relationships employed to impede success, or withdraw effort, and justify failure. 

All these relationship sabotage behaviours have a common denominator - fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt (again), fear of being abandoned, or not being good enough. People sabotage their relationships primarily to protect themselves from these feelings.

And where does the fear come from? It might be the result of insecure attachment styles* and past relationship experiences. 

In this test, three main ways of sabotaging relationships were tested:
- Defensiveness
- Trust difficulty
- Lack of relationship skills.

*As your score on this test was low, you will probably recognise just a few or no of these ways of sabotaging relationships. Nevertheless, you can read about how they look like and where they come from, to be able to recognise them at an early stage and make a change if needed.*

1. **Defensiveness** is a self- protection strategy used as a counterattack when feeling victimised against a perceived attack. Regarding to Gottman, defensiveness is often a result of perceived criticism and contempt, and in turn, can trigger a cascade of behaviours leading to relationship failure. 

2. **Trust difficulty** is often a result of past experiences of betrayal. You might be unable to trust your romantic partner and being jealous with controlling tendencies. Trust difficulty is also linked to insecure attachment styles.

3. **Lack of relationship skills** means that you might be unable to understand or to have insight into the dynamics usual in romantic relationships, and that you might not be open for discussions and work on your relationship. This might be because the lack of experience, no or too few positive role models, inflexibility, immaturity, or learned helplessness. Lack of relationship skills is one of the main reasons why people maintain the cycle of relationship sabotage across their intimate engagements, as they have problems with communication, they have few problem solving skills, and unrealistic beliefs about relationships.

#### What now?

You are in a good place right now. It is okay to show some of these behaviours sometimes - we all learn about relationships & love every day. Nobody is perfect, and nobody goes through life without any emotional wounds that would let us overreact sometimes or induce the feelings of fear.
However, if you have the feeling to sabotage your relationships to some extent and would like to change it, it might be helpful for you to contact a coach in order to get professional support by identifying your personal relationship sabotage behaviours, and by finding long-term solutions in form of behavioural change. The right coaching will also help you to let your insecurities behind and to strengthen (or develop) your secure attachment style. In general, human fears tend to grow with the time and with the enforcing negative experiences, rather than they disappear without a reflection and a real plan how to let them go.

##### **Would you like to find out your attachment style and understand how it is linked to your sabotaging behavioural patterns in your relationships? You can take the attachment style test in our app or on the website. *

###### This scale has been developed by Raquel Peel & Nerina Caltabiano. 
###### Reference: Peel, R., & Caltabiano, N. (2021). The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity. BMC Psychology, 9 (146), 1-17. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0.


Low score

#### You scored moderate on the Relationship Sabotage Scale. What does it mean for you?

Relationship sabotage can be defined as a pattern of self-defeating attitudes and behaviors in (and out) of relationships employed to impede success, or withdraw effort, and justify failure. 

As you can think, there are many different ways how to sabotage relationships. Some sabotage by not entering relationships. This is due to a belief that they are not worthy or that the relationship is not going to work. Others are stuck in a cycle of successfully initiating a relationship, yet being unable to maintain long-term engagements, and embarking on a path that appears to be a destined break-up. In this case, individuals are moving through relationships too quickly searching for “the one” and making quick assessments of their romantic partners. While others sabotage by staying in their relationships long-term, despite being unsatisfied or unhappy. In this case, individuals have “checked out”, or have lost hope, and are no longer working on their issues, thus hindering their chances of relationship satisfaction. 

However, all these relationship sabotage behaviours have a common denominator - fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt (again), fear of being abandoned, or not being good enough. People sabotage their relationships primarily to protect themselves from these feelings.

And where does the fear come from? It might be the result of insecure attachment styles* and past relationship experiences. 

In this test, three main ways of sabotaging relationships were tested:
- Defensiveness
- Trust difficulty
- Lack of relationship skills.

*As your score on this test was moderate, you will probably recognise at least one of these ways of sabotaging relationships.*

1. **Defensiveness** is a self- protection strategy used as a counterattack when feeling victimised against a perceived attack. Regarding to Gottman, defensiveness is often a result of perceived criticism and contempt, and in turn, can trigger a cascade of behaviours leading to relationship failure. 

2. **Trust difficulty** is often a result of past experiences of betrayal. You might be unable to trust your romantic partner and being jealous with controlling tendencies. Trust difficulty is also linked to insecure attachment styles.

3. **Lack of relationship skills** means that you might be unable to understand or to have insight into the dynamics usual in romantic relationships, and that you might not be open for discussions and work on your relationship. This might be because the lack of experience, no or too few positive role models, inflexibility, immaturity, or learned helplessness. Lack of relationship skills is one of the main reasons why people maintain the cycle of relationship sabotage across their intimate engagements, as they have problems with communication, they have few problem solving skills, and unrealistic beliefs about relationships.

#### What now?

In this stage, it might be helpful for you to contact a coach in order to get professional support by identifying your personal relationship sabotage behaviours, and by finding long-term solutions in form of behavioural change. The right coaching will also help you to let your insecurities behind and to develop (or strengthen your) secure attachment style. It might not feel very urgent right now, but in general, human fears tend to grow with the time and with the enforcing negative experiences, rather than they disappear without a reflection and a real plan how to let them go.

##### **Would you like to find out your attachment style and understand how it is linked to your sabotaging behavioural patterns in your relationships? You can take the attachment style test in our app or on the website. *

###### This scale has been developed by Raquel Peel & Nerina Caltabiano. 
###### Reference: Peel, R., & Caltabiano, N. (2021). The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity. BMC Psychology, 9 (146), 1-17. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0.

Moderate score

#### You scored high on the Relationship Sabotage Scale. What does it mean for you?

Relationship sabotage can be defined as a pattern of self-defeating attitudes and behaviors in (and out) of relationships employed to impede success, or withdraw effort, and justify failure. 

As you can think, there are many different ways how to sabotage relationships. Some sabotage by not entering relationships. This is due to a belief that they are not worthy or that the relationship is not going to work. Others are stuck in a cycle of successfully initiating a relationship, yet being unable to maintain long-term engagements, and embarking on a path that appears to be a destined break-up. In this case, individuals are moving through relationships too quickly searching for “the one” and making quick assessments of their romantic partners. While others sabotage by staying in their relationships long-term, despite being unsatisfied or unhappy. In this case, individuals have “checked out”, or have lost hope, and are no longer working on their issues, thus hindering their chances of relationship satisfaction. 

However, all these relationship sabotage behaviours have a common denominator - fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt (again), fear of being abandoned, or not being good enough. People sabotage their relationships primarily to protect themselves from these feelings.

And where does the fear come from? It might be the result of insecure attachment styles* and past relationship experiences. 

In this test, three main ways of sabotaging relationships were tested:
- Defensiveness
- Trust difficulty
- Lack of relationship skills.

*As your score on this test was high, you will probably recognise more than one of these ways of sabotaging relationships.*

1. **Defensiveness** is a self- protection strategy used as a counterattack when feeling victimised against a perceived attack. Regarding to Gottman, defensiveness is often a result of perceived criticism and contempt, and in turn, can trigger a cascade of behaviours leading to relationship failure. 

2. **Trust difficulty** is often a result of past experiences of betrayal. You might be unable to trust your romantic partner and being jealous with controlling tendencies. Trust difficulty is also linked to insecure attachment styles.

3. **Lack of relationship skills** means that you might be unable to understand or to have insight into the dynamics usual in romantic relationships, and that you might not be open for discussions and work on your relationship. This might be because the lack of experience, no or too few positive role models, inflexibility, immaturity, or learned helplessness. Lack of relationship skills is one of the main reasons why people maintain the cycle of relationship sabotage across their intimate engagements, as they have problems with communication, they have few problem solving skills, and unrealistic beliefs about relationships.

#### What now?

In this stage, most probably it will be too difficult to change your behavioural patterns alone. The best solution for you might be to contact a coach in order to get professional support by identifying your personal relationship sabotage behaviours, and by finding long-term solutions in form of behavioural change. The right coaching will also help you to let your insecurities behind and to develop a secure attachment style.

##### **Would you like to find out your attachment style and understand how it is linked to your sabotaging behavioural patterns in your relationships? You can take the attachment style test in our app or on the website. *

###### This scale has been developed by Raquel Peel & Nerina Caltabiano. 
###### Reference: Peel, R., & Caltabiano, N. (2021). The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity. BMC Psychology, 9 (146), 1-17. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0.

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Quiz: Do you sabotage your relationships?