**Some need more from one, others more from the other: Closeness and distance in the relationship. When do we have enough? How do we find the right dose?**

Anja feels attracted to Anouk. She wants to meet her again, even though they just said goodbye a few hours ago. Immediately she writes her a message. She wants to let Anja know how she feels. When Anouk reads Anja's message, she feels flattered. But she also feels a little pressured. Anouk is a person who needs a lot of time to herself. But she doesn't want to hurt Anja. She also knows that Anja will quickly feel rejected, even though Anouk's desire for distance has nothing to do with her personally.

## Closeness and distance in a relationship

The dynamic that exists between Anja and Anouk is not an uncommon one. Among other things, this has to do with the fact that people have varying degrees of need for closeness and distance. In very few cases does this have to do with the affection we feel for others.

Rather, it has to do with our own limits and emotional capacities. There are people who can recharge their batteries when they are in company and who quickly feel the ceiling fall on their heads if they spend too much time with themselves. On the other hand, there are people for whom the company of others can quickly become exhausting. Of course, there are also all conceivable constellations in between. All of them have their justification; none is wrong or right.

U.S. psychologist John Gottmann attributes this to varying degrees of need for intimacy and independence. According to Gottmann, there are times when it is necessary to satisfy one's own desire for independence, while at other times one may feel the need to approach the other person. However, it may well happen that the needs are not always at the same level at the same time. This can then lead to conflicts.

If Anouk, for example, ignores her needs out of fear of hurting Anja and does not express them, this will damage their relationship in the long run. Because then it could happen that she withdraws emotionally to protect herself and her needs. Anja, on the other hand, would probably notice this emotional withdrawal, which would in turn confuse or hurt her. This can quickly create a negative dynamic that damages their relationship.

But how can we explore the boundaries in between distance and closeness in a relationship so that no one has to feel overworked or neglected? How can Anouk and Anja come to a common denominator?

## Identifying and formulating needs

The first thing to do is to precisely identify and sound out the respective needs. First of all, each of the partners has to do this for themselves. (By the way, this is true for every kind of relationship - even for friendships or family relationships). There are various basic needs that we can recognize and appreciate: Closeness, relaxation, enjoyment, self-realization, support.

Here it is important to listen carefully into oneself and to practice recognizing the needs. The next step is to formulate these needs. The best way to do this is first in writing or mentally, all to ourselves. This should be done in a quiet setting, without time pressure, perhaps after a relaxation exercise, sports, yoga, meditation or something else that does us good. With this, we can then approach the other:n and share. It's best to check out the needs check-in in our magazine to learn more!

Then it is important that you approach each other and talk openly about your needs. In doing so, make each other aware that all needs are legitimate. If one of you has the need for more peace and independence, it has nothing to do with his/her sympathy towards the other:n!

## Closeness and distance in the relationship: exploring compromises

It may well be that you then have to explore compromises. Perhaps you'll set aside certain days when you'll spend time together and other days when you'll each do your own thing. Put your heads together and look for a solution that is important for both of you! Because this is also an important step to keep relationships upright and above all healthy. Every relationship thrives on bridging differences, enduring compromises and respecting different needs.

Another important step to explore the right dose of closeness and distance is to check your attachment styles. In a 1999 study, psychologist Judith A. Feeney found, among other things, that the way we bond is also related to our need for closeness.

For example, people who have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style are more likely to have trouble finding the right balance of closeness and distance than those with a secure attachment style. This, in turn, may also affect our overall satisfaction with a relationship, as well as the quality of sex, he said. Relationships, Feeney continued, that fail to make the relationship of closeness and distance comfortable for all involved in the long run are also more likely to fail.

*You have trouble identifying your needs and keep getting into conflicts in relationships because of it? You have problems with the relationship between distance and closeness in relationships? Let's talk about it! Book a session with one of our coaches today.*

Sources: Judith a. Feeney: Issues of Closeness and Distance in Dating Relationships: Effects of Sex and Attachment Style. In: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1999.

David and Constantino Khalaf: The Dance between Intimacy and Independence in Marriage. In: The Gottmann Institute, 2017.

Exploring the relationship between closeness and distance in a relationship can be a mammoth task. But with a little help, everyone can succeed.

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Closeness and distance in the relationship: How much is enough?